I've not known what to say to you of late.
I've been struggling with the challenge that recurs for me...believing you aren't real. I get into these phases where I see something and I am struck by this wave of skepticism and cynicism that compels me to throw up by hands and say why am I bothering?
Why am I bothering to turn myself into the person who is worthy of someone who doesn't exist?
Why am I writing to a person who doesn't exist?
Why am I allowing myself to love the concept of a person who doesn't exist?
What man is Dominant and bi-sexual and into sharing his partner and open to her intelligence and strength and traveling and family and cars and football?
Who will I align with in a way that neither of us are forced to sacrifice core aspects of who we are and what we want out of life in order to be together?
If you were here, I wouldn't even be on this ledge. I wish you were here to talk me off. Right now when I try to imagine the things you'd say to do that I am immediately backhanded with the full weight of my doubts and find myself retreating into a state of passive resignation that I will just be alone for the duration and I know that is not a healthy headspace (if you do actually exist).
I guess a small part of me believes but right now, it's a very small part.
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