Fighting

I've never been one to fight for things that are personally important to me.

I've gotten a little better when it comes to fighting for compensation that aligns with my abilities but beyond that, personally, I don't fight.

I fight to ensure things are done right in my professional life, to ensure people are held accountable, to ensure the right outcome in the best interests of my clients. But for some reason, I can't apply the same fight to my personal life.

I never fought with my daughter's father over letting our daughter float the river outside of the raft before she knew how to swim or when he consistently forgot (or broke) carseat after carseat when we were co-parenting from a distance, forcing me to drive her home 90 miles without one until I could buy another.

I remember a fight with CR when, after we'd moved west, when our relationship was dying...I so wanted him to stay home and spend time with me...in retrospect more because of insecurity than genuine desire...but I remember him saying "fine, I'll stay home" and just the tone spoke of how much he didn't want to and I recall saying to him..."I don't want you to stay home...I want you to want to stay home".

I wanted to be chosen.

I didn't fight for MK when he told me that he's accept an ultimatum from me...though that would have been a form of settling so in the end, I saved myself much wasted time...he said he would have chosen me...but in my heart I didn't believe it. Even though I knew he wasn't what I wanted or what was right for me...I still found him to be this larger than life person who I never felt I'd be good enough for.

I didn't fight for MP, I made up a lot of excuses...I didn't want to change the rules, I didn't want things to end badly, I didn't want to be rejected and miss out on more of what little we had.

The quote that comes up in my life over and over again..."That which I flee from pursues me, that which I welcome transforms me." The irony is uncanny, isn't it.

Older not wiser.

All the reasons I wouldn't fight before remain the same...changing the rules, rejection, missing out on the little enjoyment I have...

Even as I consider the possibility that it could be you I'm unwilling to fight for...the fear will not let me do it...it's a paralyzing fear.